the greatest of these is love

(reading over this, it is pretty random...sorry if it's too random for comprehension...but i did say i didn't really know what was gonna come out!)

i don't really know what's gonna come out here, because i've been learning a lot lately. you could pretty much read my friend Shana's blog and find out a lot of what i've been learning, because we've been doing a lot of the same learning.

you could also listen to a song to or two (click on "i need You to love me") and that would pretty much say it all.

but the thing of it is, i need to tell you all something...


i'm weak


i pretend a lot that i'm strong


i think that a huge reason for pretending for me is that i'm afraid that if i don't pretend that i'm not sad, i will be sad. a lot. you see, depression kind of runs in my family, especially the women. and if i leave myself open to it, i'm afraid. afraid that i'll be right there with my relatives.

but in the last couple days, i've been pretty broken. there's a lot of stuff going on in my life. finals. family issues. friend issues. friends leaving. and a huge one is friends getting married. (you could read dave's blog and that would tell you a lot too.)

but i'm a girl. and i'm emotional. not that guys aren't. not that dave isn't. but here's what i'm seeing - four of my best friends, one since childhood, three since coming to UIS, are getting married. one amazing cousin, two amazing sisters, and an amazing brother.

and here i am. "alone"

the amazing thing about God is...well...not the amazing thing, because there are loads of them...but one of them, especially this week is the way He works through song. every time i would come into my room, there would be a song playing with a focus of not being alone. it happened so many times, that eventually, i got a little frustrated. i wanted to yell at Him - "look at me - i AM alone!" i whispered so many times in the past couple weeks...if only there was someone to hold me while i cry...to really listen and really care...

and all the while He was yelling back - I AM HERE - STOP HIDING FROM ME. but i didn't hear...no, i didn't listen.

and i wouldn't stop pretending that everything was alright, i was just fine, until i saw my friend shana in the corner at the Edge on Friday night. not hiding from God. not pretending. but being honest with Him. not caring what other people thought. but being real...with Him and with me. and it showed me that it's ok to be weak. it is ok to take a time-out sometimes. and it's not so much ok to pretend. and it was good. and we talked and cried together. and i didn't feel like i had to be the strong one. and shana didn't either. we were weak together.

and i thought it was gonna be ok. i thought the problem was solved. until this afternoon. and it all came crashing down - i had a meltdown. and i realized, even Friday night, i was holding back. i wasn't allowing myself to feel everything. and i was on my floor. and i didn't know what to do but cry out and be held. and allow myself to be held and to tell Him what was really going on. everything i was freaking out about. and i lay there, and when i finally got up and decided that i was going to sing...to really sing to Him. i went to my computer to shut off the music that was playing, and Acres of Hope by Shane and Shane came on (see first song link :) ). it's based on Hosea 2, and it's about hope, and Hosea 2 was huge for me awhile back, and hope has always been huge for me. it was just amazing. and i melted again. not because i was sad. but because i got a little glimpse of something amazing. God pursuing us...fiercely. leading us to and through valleys.

that's all i have to hold on to. Him.

sitting in the car tonight, talking about all of this, i was reminded of a quote...or at least a paraphrase of an idea that is amazing.

my heart belongs to God. any guy who wants it will have to go through Him to get it.

i don't wanna hold back any part of my heart any more. in God's hands is the safest place for it to be. sometimes i forget that.

this is definitely not everything i've learned from all of this. God continues to teach me and pursue me even when i'm not faithful. i don't understand. but i still praise You, Father. thank You so much. i'm sorry for snatching back my heart so quickly all the time. i'm sorry that i've been pretending for so long. thank You that in my weakness, Your perfect strength is revealed. in my weakness, i have nothing to hold onto but You. thank You for pursuing me.

peace