the greatest of these is love

Lord i want You to know
that i'm weak and i'm broken
but totally Yours
and i long for Your truth in my life
lead me in righteousness
beside the still waters
Lord restore my soul

i long for You
i thirst for You
i hunger for more and more of You
You are my one desire
Lord set my heart on fire

Lord i cry out to You
i am seeking Your goodness
the touch of Your hand
and i know i'm not worthy of You
but i bow down before You
overwhelmed by Your grace
Lord send your rain

Chorus

this song was written by an NMSI missionary now serving in Africa. Matt learned it and played it this summer. i remember one time, sitting in the orphanage in Sharya, bawling my eyes out while we sang it. it rings so true. to realize that i'm weak, i'm broken, but still to surrender everything to Him. to realize in my weakness, His strength is made perfect. to know that when i'm weak, it's a good thing, because then i can't take any of the credit.

i'd forgotten about this song, honestly. but it's on Matt's blog right now (from the top and to the right)

though in the orphanage in Russia, it was the first few lines that were hitting hard (i was especially aware of my weakness, even physically, because this was during the time my foot looked like burnt pizza and i was a little bit (ok, a lotta bit) unable to walk without at least an arm from a willing and graciously serving brother or sister...) but now, the last two lines of the chorus are the lyrics hitting me pretty stinking hard. "You are my one desire, Lord set my heart on fire."

we went to church at CCH on Sunday at EIU. it was good. it was amazing to see Leeann, Kati, Kristin, and David. the guy spoke on something that hit me though. it seems like i've heard it before, but i can't exactly remember where, but that's not the point.

Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

amazing verse, and one that i've found much comfort in, especially in this "i'm single and everyone around me is getting married" stage. (ok, so i know not everyone is getting married, or even in a relationship, but, you know, literary freedom or something like that).

i like to think that this verse includes the desires of my heart right now. to do the following (in no particular order, and in no rush...though i don't have the whole patience and trusting God's timing down pat, i have had a little bit of experience with it): graduate, move to Florida, work with NMSI, possibly go overseas, get married, have kids, grandkids, spoil the grandkids...you know.

i look back at the list, and though it seems innocent enough, i have no idea if any one of those things is on the Books for me. but they are things i desire. in all of these things, my desire is to glorify God. but sometimes i get caught up in what i want, and what i think is best for my life, and (even scarier) what i think will glorify Him most. and i get so caught up in this stuff that i don't leave room for Him to change my mind. to show me that these things aren't necessarily the things that will glorify Him most in my life.

so the guy that was speaking at CCH on Sunday (had you forgotten about him...i didn't), he said that this verse (Psalm 37:4, remember?) maybe didn't mean what i thought it meant. maybe it meant that, as we delight in God, our desires will change to line up and reflect HIS desires.

i just have to give Him room enough to tell me so. and i don't know what that looks like in my life. i don't know really how to put into practice what i keep learning, what God keeps repeatedly having to teach me because i can never seem to remember.

on that note, a pretty big lesson this summer was "doing flows from being."

what we do as Christians should flow from our being with Christ, in love with Christ, and being totally committed and surrendered to Him.

somewhere along the way, i think i forgot that. i think i tried to tell myself (again) that it didnt' matter what i was, as long as i was doing what looked good, what i was "supposed" to be doing.

and, if i can, throw out another lesson from the summer...where they're coming from, i don't know, but i'm thankful for them, and thankful that He's not letting me forget completely.

one day, one of our last days in Russia, we were just spending some time in the city. Courtney and i decided to go to the Volga to just spend some time quietly reflecting on the summer, and spending some qt with our God. Courtney went off, down the steps, toward the fountains, but i stayed on the stairway on one of the many benches along the way. it was an amazing view of the convergence of the two rivers (i don't remember the name of the other one). i just sat and sat and journaled for awhile, took some pictures, and really thought about everything (it was a lot to think about! i'd just spent two months in a country i never thought i'd visit! besides that, God had a lot to teach me over that summer, and i was mulling it all over).

about the time we were getting ready to meet anyway, i look back out over the two rivers, and see that it is absolutely pouring just a mile or two away. i love rainbows. it was sunny where we were, but it was obviously raining just a little ways away. i prayed for a rainbow. i told Him that i knew that seeing a rainbow meant getting the rain, i knew it meant getting wet. but i didn't care.

Courtney came walking up the steps, and we started looking for somewhere where we could get out of the impending rain, and suddenly heard someone speaking - English! it was Ashleigh, and she was there, umbrella in hand, under a nice, large tree facing the Volga. we sat down on the bench with her, looked over the river, and there was the rainbow.

Lord, send Your rain. i don't want to run from it anymore, but i want to embrace the restoration and growth that it brings. thank You so so much for allowing me to remember all of this today, and for the comfort that You bring me through it. thank You so much for this amazing summer in Russia that i'll never forget...at least i hope i never will.

above all, Father, please please make my desires Your desires. i'm tired of living for mine. it's so....unfulfilling. to always be living for me. i want to live for You. i want to be so immersed in being who You created me to be, that doing Your will is a no-brainer. it's not something i agonize over, it's just something that comes naturally.

peace