the greatest of these is love

so, a contributing factor to my loneliness lately is the fact that i didn't think anyone saw what i've been posting lately. i don't know if it was easier to pour that stuff out online, without having to look at anyone in the face or what, but i haven't really talked a lot with people about it. a little bit, but not a lot. and i didn't think anyone commented or anything b/c i wasn't getting e-mails saying you guys did.

but that didn't mean anything, because i actually looked at my blog today, and the comments overwhelmed me. thanks so much for your prayers and encouraging words on here. i just thought i'd send out that little shout-out. and admit that i'm an insecure person, and when i thought there were no comments, well, it kinda stunk.

anyway, i'm sitting here, 1 1/2 hours before my first class of the semester, and i'm not excited one bit. i'm trying to be. but it's just not happening. people who started school last week (Eastern is the main place where i know people) already have away messages that say they're doing homework and stuff. and people here at UIS who just started today already have away messages saying they have homework. well, i'm not excited about homework at all. and i just do not want to go. *stomps foot*

ok, tantrum over. seriously though, this past week or so has been aMAzing, with people back, and hanging out all the stinking time because we didn't have school to worry about. i know school is important, but i can't help but want to put this community first in my life, a) because it's more fun and b) well, because i think it is more important.

i'm so thankful to be running (ok, so i've been crawling lately...but...) this race with all of you. you don't even know, i don't think you ever could. but God uses you, your blogs, your smiles, your words so so much. maybe that's why it feels so much different in Hamilton. a few of us had a discussion last night about being real. it's funny how it came back to the forefront when i needed it most. ok, not funny, but amazing. amazing how God knows exactly what we need, when we need it, and makes those lessons flow throughout the community, so everyone's on the same page without us even planning it. i guess that's just how amazing He is.

i still don't feel things as much as i once did. i prayed out loud with said few people last night, and it was weird. i hadn't prayed out loud with a group since i left in Dec. i felt like i'd forgotten how. i journaled this morning for the first time in almost a month. it was weird, i felt like i'd forgotten.

i guess when you crawl, you have to learn to walk again. it's not this automatic thing. i feel so weak, i guess.

but that's ok, because His strength is made perfect in my weakness. i'm trying to remember that. :)

peace