Friday, January 13, 2006
mixed emotions
i'm at that stage where i don't feel anything. i know nothing for certain and doubts race across my mind all day long. there are flashes of hope, glimpses of splendor. but they never last long.
not to get anyone down or anything. this is just where i'm at. freaking out and doubting so often. i try to sing, and can't (partly due to the cold, partly because i can't feel the words). i try to read and learn, but it just doesn't feel natural anymore.
i might just be recovering from the relapse i had over break. slipping into who i used to be was so easy, so natural. it felt so good sometimes, too, like an old, comfy hoodie. the more and more i think about how quickly and easily i slipped into that old skin, the more frightened i get about spending the summer there. i talked to mel earlier today about that, and she said she always thought going home would be hard, but in the matters of dealing with parents/siblings, and it just not being "home" anymore. but if being home is hard b/c you can't learn there, then that's just something you don't wanna mess with. i totally agree with what she says, but then again, i don't wanna cop out of something that could be beneficial.
i'm just so confused.
i e-mailed Mary yesterday to see if she has thoughts. she says Thailand would be a good match. that excites me. part of me wants to go for it, send in my paperwork, tell my parents i'm not staying home, start the budgeting, send out letters, and prayerfully look forward to another amazing summer. another part is scared that i'll be disappointed if it's not as good as last summer, afraid that i'll always be comparing, and in that, not grow as much as i could. and the other part of me thinks that i'll never get out of this funk, and why should i even be thinking about moving to Florida and becoming a missionary, let alone go on a two-month trip.
in less depressing news, i'm super excited about everyone being back. i think deep down, i know this semester is going to be amazing, but hard, and i know that all of you are going to be integral parts of both aspects of that. i know you guys, my community, are instruments that God can use (and has used!) to challenge and spur me on when i get so absorbed in myself that i can't see straight. i need you guys. this break definitely taught me that.
love you guys
peace
not to get anyone down or anything. this is just where i'm at. freaking out and doubting so often. i try to sing, and can't (partly due to the cold, partly because i can't feel the words). i try to read and learn, but it just doesn't feel natural anymore.
i might just be recovering from the relapse i had over break. slipping into who i used to be was so easy, so natural. it felt so good sometimes, too, like an old, comfy hoodie. the more and more i think about how quickly and easily i slipped into that old skin, the more frightened i get about spending the summer there. i talked to mel earlier today about that, and she said she always thought going home would be hard, but in the matters of dealing with parents/siblings, and it just not being "home" anymore. but if being home is hard b/c you can't learn there, then that's just something you don't wanna mess with. i totally agree with what she says, but then again, i don't wanna cop out of something that could be beneficial.
i'm just so confused.
i e-mailed Mary yesterday to see if she has thoughts. she says Thailand would be a good match. that excites me. part of me wants to go for it, send in my paperwork, tell my parents i'm not staying home, start the budgeting, send out letters, and prayerfully look forward to another amazing summer. another part is scared that i'll be disappointed if it's not as good as last summer, afraid that i'll always be comparing, and in that, not grow as much as i could. and the other part of me thinks that i'll never get out of this funk, and why should i even be thinking about moving to Florida and becoming a missionary, let alone go on a two-month trip.
in less depressing news, i'm super excited about everyone being back. i think deep down, i know this semester is going to be amazing, but hard, and i know that all of you are going to be integral parts of both aspects of that. i know you guys, my community, are instruments that God can use (and has used!) to challenge and spur me on when i get so absorbed in myself that i can't see straight. i need you guys. this break definitely taught me that.
love you guys
peace
// posted by erinlizabeth @ 6:03 PM 
Comments:
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What you feel is what I felt all fall. I had some other things going on, but this was a HUGE part of it. I don't know what to tell you. But I hope it will comfort you like it comforted me to know that people still really care for you and care about what you are going through.
-Chet
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-Chet
# posted by 
: 1/14/2006 2:36 AM
: 1/14/2006 2:36 AM << Home
