Tuesday, January 10, 2006
shhhh...
i just thought i'd let you in on a little theme that's going on right now in my life. it's the first theme that i've allowed to get through my thick skull in quite some time. over the break, my going to bed ritual, which is usually when i do my devos or some sort of study, slowly slipped back into what i used to do before going to bed: read 7th grade level fantasies. not just Narnia, but those by Tamora Pierce about wild magic, immortals, lady knights (even the King's Champion!), all set in the amazing, magical, strange land of Tortall. and push aside my Bible, trying to pray, but just feeling like i'm talking to myself and afraid that my parents will hear or look in on me (which they never do, but still afraid) and think i'm going nuts.
sitting here, reflecting, i guess i did learn something over break - that it's terribly frightening how easily and quickly i slipped back into the old skin i used to crawl around in. the old habits, and putting on the old front and masks to make it look like i'm this good kid, who goes to church and mission trips and CSF. makes me want to barf, sob, and scream all at the same time. (interesting side note, even though i want to, i can't seem to muster the tears, and that scares me, too. i don't feel much of anything anymore.)
anyway, back to the theme. some of you already know, and i hope to talk to more of you about it...well, then again, maybe not. because it's been "SHUT UP ERIN"
ok, so that's not true, the wording has been "be quiet." but it's been repeated so many times that the effect is becoming "just shut up already, would you?"
the first instance was on the way home from home. (so, obviously there's a little conflict going on there, too, but we'll not go into that). i was on my way to Springfield from Hamilton, listening to David Crowder's album "Collision." i noticed a phrase repeated in several songs, and a whole song dedicated to said phrase - you guessed it: "be quiet."
then Psalm 46 was in my junk mail as one of those e-mails that i never look at, but i recognized it as the psalm with "be still and know that I am God" dealie in there. so i looked it up, it kicked me around for awhile, then i let it go again.
then i talked to a friend (who'll be back soon from the snowy north country!), and he said one of his big lessons this break has been to quiet himself before God.
then, my fortune tonight at First Wok with Courtney was "listen often to the quiet voice within."
Courtney said, it means the Holy Spirit.
so, amidst the craziness of the semester starting, everything within me wanting and screaming at me that i should be freaking out about multiple things (incuding, but not limited to the following: this summer, my family, weddings, weddings, weddings, the upcoming semester, observing in a classroom...), i'm going to try to be quiet. be still and reverent before God. when i get too loud again, please tell me to shut up. thanks.
peace
sitting here, reflecting, i guess i did learn something over break - that it's terribly frightening how easily and quickly i slipped back into the old skin i used to crawl around in. the old habits, and putting on the old front and masks to make it look like i'm this good kid, who goes to church and mission trips and CSF. makes me want to barf, sob, and scream all at the same time. (interesting side note, even though i want to, i can't seem to muster the tears, and that scares me, too. i don't feel much of anything anymore.)
anyway, back to the theme. some of you already know, and i hope to talk to more of you about it...well, then again, maybe not. because it's been "SHUT UP ERIN"
ok, so that's not true, the wording has been "be quiet." but it's been repeated so many times that the effect is becoming "just shut up already, would you?"
the first instance was on the way home from home. (so, obviously there's a little conflict going on there, too, but we'll not go into that). i was on my way to Springfield from Hamilton, listening to David Crowder's album "Collision." i noticed a phrase repeated in several songs, and a whole song dedicated to said phrase - you guessed it: "be quiet."
then Psalm 46 was in my junk mail as one of those e-mails that i never look at, but i recognized it as the psalm with "be still and know that I am God" dealie in there. so i looked it up, it kicked me around for awhile, then i let it go again.
then i talked to a friend (who'll be back soon from the snowy north country!), and he said one of his big lessons this break has been to quiet himself before God.
then, my fortune tonight at First Wok with Courtney was "listen often to the quiet voice within."
Courtney said, it means the Holy Spirit.
so, amidst the craziness of the semester starting, everything within me wanting and screaming at me that i should be freaking out about multiple things (incuding, but not limited to the following: this summer, my family, weddings, weddings, weddings, the upcoming semester, observing in a classroom...), i'm going to try to be quiet. be still and reverent before God. when i get too loud again, please tell me to shut up. thanks.
peace
// posted by erinlizabeth @ 10:12 PM 
