the greatest of these is love

since last night, a lot of things have changed. i don't know how to explain it, really, but they have. i have a peace and excitement that i didn't have before. and it's about a lot of things.

we had a good meeting on the big red comfy couch last night. it was fun and we got a lot done. after the meeting, though, i was feeling a little weird. Shana had homework to do, so i dropped her off and just didn't want to come home. so i went to Jenny's. she was busy, but said if i needed her to say so. i decided not to say so.

i spent the next 45 minutes or an hour driving around Springfield. i went along East Lake Shore Drive first. i've driven that before, and as i was driving, i just cried out to God. i admitted all my frustrations, weaknesses and doubts. i spent most of that car ride basically telling Him that i didn't trust Him.

this morning, i got up and went to LRH to meet up with Shana for breakfast. she had studying to do (and had IMed me in the night, but for some reason i didn't get it...but i think that was probably God's doing), so i just turned right around and walked back to Foxglove. Tuesdays and Thursdays are Utmost days for us, so i read it on the way back. i never really have gotten into Chambers for whatever reason (probably because i never did it consistently), but today blew me away.

the title of the day is "The Constraint of the Call." the first line was "Beware of stopping your ears to the call of God."

last night, i was there. i was stopping my ears, believing the lies that God isn't big enough, doesn't care enough, and doesn't have the right planning or timing for much of anything, but mostly for my becoming a missionary and/or going to Thailand. it was kind of intertwined.

Chambers's writing today was a warning. it didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy, but it reminded me of God's supreme power and His wisdom in His call.

this translates back to the missionary thing, the Thailand thing, and the being here thing. see, the past few days have been hard in another way. i miss my friends in Florida. i want to be there. but i want to be here. i've never felt so torn in my life. not even when i was trying to figure out what "home" meant.

Gretchen said something the other night that blew me away and that i've been chewing on ever since. i get so caught up in looking forward to becoming a missionary that i forget something. we already are missionaries.

missionaries don't have to go to Russia, Thailand, Africa, South America, or anywhere else. they can go across the street, across campus, or to the cafeteria. see, Gretchen called the ministry here on campus a "mission" the other day. it is. and we're already missionaries.

i'm excited about the next year and a half. no joke. it's going to be hard to keep my focus here and now, especially as the time draws near to my not being here. so, please, help keep me accountable. i need you guys.

i got vaccinations and sent in my papers to NMSI today. i started writing support letters yesterday. i don't get it. i can't comprehend it. i'm really excited about it, but i don't want to miss today for a daydream (see Nanette's post).

so, YAY for this semester, for this summer, and for next year!!!