the greatest of these is love

so, there's a lot going on in my head right now. most of them are questions. it used to be that this would scare me. i even bought a book once - "If I Really Believe, Why Do I Have All These Doubts?" or something like that. now, it's different. it's still a little scary, but i've been learning a lot lately.

now, there's a general theme in my life - God speaks, i get a tidbit of what He's saying, then promptly forget. but He just keeps trucking along...reteaching and reteaching. how amazing is it that? that He loves me (and you!) so much that He'll continually keep teaching me the same lessons, over and over again, in different ways all the time, just to try to get through my thick skull...

anyway, back to questions - the retreat this weekend was amazing. Mark Nelson definitely lived up to the standards set for him. he is definitely a man inspired by the Living God, passionate about what he's learning and willing to share it with other believers. he talked about questions a lot. he even admitted that he caught himself thinking sometimes: "what if it isn't real? what if all of this is just something i've adopted because my parents drug me to church every sunday, and it's what was expected?" or, in my case, what if it's all about the people who were nice to me - actually cared about me, the people my own age who actually took an interest in knowing me? have i just adopted their beliefs? Hannah's? Heather's? Gretchen's?

but if you're going to ask the question - what if it isn't real?, then you MUST ask the question - "What if it is?" what if there really is a God who cares about me more than Hannah, Heather, Gretchen, my parents, John, Shana, Jenny, my grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins, David, Leeann, Sarah, Melmo, Sara, Ashleigh, Courtney, and all the rest of this amazing community that God's creating here ever could? what if He really does pursue me fervently, passionately, and is never going to give up on me? what if there really are angels rejoicing over every single soul who finally gets it? over every time someone gets SOMETHING?

and every fiber in my being cries that it is true. it's the only constant i've ever experienced.

what would it look like if i fully accepted that? fully and completely accepted His love, His grace, and lived in it every day? because i don't - there are times, moments, a few hours, or even days and weeks where i'm so dry that i can't stand it anymore. but it's not until i finally turn back to the True Source that i'm refreshed once again. what if i lived in that every day? rested in His faithfulness every single day?

i don't want to blindly accept the faith of those around me...though they are amazing examples and tools that God uses continually in my life. i want to question. i want to taste and see for myself. i mean, really taste.

i want to taste from on top of the desk, too. this is another main theme from the retreat that i don't want to forget for a long while. ever, maybe. Mark talked about standing on a desk, and the new perspective that it gives you (i tried it in my room on Monday...it really does change everything!). he challenged us to do this with our faith - which is where asking the questions really comes in, i think.

i'm really excited about pretty much everything right now. life in general is pretty stinking good. John and i get to go to Mt Vernon on Sat to see Lindsey and Nathan get married and hang out with some pretty amazing people all day. Minnesota (i.e. - SPRING BREAK!) is coming up quicker than i thought. i got placed for my observation in a kindergarten classroom, which is uber exciting. support is coming in for Thailand like i couldn't have imagined, reassuring me continually of God's hand in this. i got to show John ALL my Russia pictures last night, which was an amazing reminder of all the lessons i learned last summer and got me all excited about this summer.

all i can say about all of this is God is more than good. i don't wanna just say that in the times where everything seems to be falling into place, either. i wanna be able to say it when everything falls apart - or seems to, at least. i want to remember that His faithfulness and love do not change, even though my circumstances do.

enough of my rambling...

peace